So many of us are automatically programmed to do the’right thing’ when something is requested of us. If we’ve been’well brought up’ we may find it tough to resist the temptation to be useful, help others, maybe not disappoint or cause offence.
– When we learn to become assertive and express ourselves well, in a suitable way, it means that when we do say’yes’ to something we are happy to undertake that extra job, meet up socially, do a favor, take things further. We are not feeling cajoled, bullied or guilt-tripped. On occasion we may agree to do things we are not too keen on or stay silent and bite our tongue. We are going to see it as a trade-off; it may be important to get brownie points or simply be good manners.
However, if we sense that our acquiescence is getting a regular pattern, that others expect us to always agree, we might need to take into account the signals we’re giving. When we express ourselves well it will become an integral part of establishing balanced relationships. So it’s important to notice if others have started to see us as a pushover and’yes’ is now becoming the most damaging word in our vocabulary.
– Saying how we sense means that we are dedicated to establishing equal relationships, are keen to be open, honest and comfortable together. No one’s keeping a tally of who does good deeds and favours or is needing to think before they speak.
If, over time, we notice that we are the one who’s always helping out, is obliging, saying’yes’ when we’d like to say’no’ and getting nothing in return we might start to feel frustrated and let down. Rarely receiving consideration or a simple’thank you’ can indicate time to begin expressing yourself better and stating how you feel rather more frequently.
– Recall though that others may not fully appreciate how you’re feeling or thinking. If you are quiet you may seem sullen, indifferent or in agreement with what has been decided. The fact that you might have given a massive concession, or made a major investment of yourself may have escaped their notice. They may have asked a question where they expected you to say how you feel and then only taken you at your word.
I remember a client, a leading female manger in a male-dominated national company. She was seriously stressed, working long hours with almost no free time or personal life. She always said’yes’ to her manager because she was concerned that if she didn’t he would assume she was not coping and was not up to the job. 1 evening she was driving home from work late at night.
She’d worked on her confidence and therefore felt able to easily explain what she was already working on, that she was pleased to do the report but wanted his input rescheduling her workload to integrate the new request. It was that he had been unaware of her other commitments, was enquiring if she had any spare capacity and was happy to find somebody else to do it. She dealt with his request calmly and effectively, expressed herself well and so avoided automatically saying’yes’ and end up working throughout the night.
– Great communications are important. Being open and honest, expressing clearly that you are delighted to do something, want to be reassuring, spend some time together, but want others to reciprocate, understand and appreciate your point of view is a positive way of investing in your own relationships. It is important to indicate what you want from Daytona Animal Removal in return.
– When we feel obligated, pressurised or second-guessed we could begin to feel resentful. Always being the’good man’ can wear thin, especially if it becomes apparent that others automatically assume we will go along with their wishes. But if we do not speak up and say how we believe we have to accept some responsibility for other people’s assumptions. It’s important to deal with a situation before it affects too much on our relationships.
If this is you, take time to reflect on why you have this mindset, why this pattern has evolved in your relationships. Were your role models people-pleasers, always compliant; was debate regarded as argumentative, unattractive, dumb; were your views and wishes criticised and dismissed?
– Looking at other people’s relationships and comparing them to our own may be an interesting exercise. Watch how others enjoy adult conversations, discuss their wishes, compromise and negotiate. We can then learn how to modify the way we express ourselves.
Becoming more confident in a positive, assertive way can add significantly to the quality of our relationships, and the spin-off can be that we also improve our relationship with ourselves.